Enjay08’s Weblog
We often feel alone during times of trouble. God doesn’t want that. He promises to always be with us.Archive for January, 2008
Bringing it to pass
NOW:
Sunday, a day of rest, a day to prepare for another week. They go by so swiftly it is unbelievable. Tomorrow starts another week of seeing doctors and radiation treatment. Every day seems like a challenge and every day God sees me through it.
Every new day is a question mark. The first day of the rest of my life. That’s true for everyone, but when you are ill, it really looms large. I have to give that question mark to God. I don’t know the answers or the outcome. But He does. I choose to commit it to Him. In return He takes care of the details and gives me peace and joy. He really does. His peace can’t be described or explained and the joy is the same.
THEN:
Commit your way to the Lord. Trust also in Him and He shall bring it to pass. Psalm 37:5
Talk about working things out or “bringing it to pass” – I’ve watched God work out some tough situations. In November I was in chemotherapy, barely dragging myself out for treatment and follow-up, and suddenly everything screeched to a halt. I had shingles. They couldn’t continue chemo until that was over and the blisters went away. Then, in the middle of dealing with the pain of shingles, my cervix and uterus collapsed, causing problems with my bowels.
Now I needed breast surgery and a hysterectomy with reconstruction work. Which would come first? On the one hand we needed to remove the tumor. On the other, I was having great difficulty with my bowel function. I prayed, as usual.
This is how He worked this out. My breast surgeon suggested I have the hysterectomy (by another surgeon) at the same time as the mastectomies. Sounded good to me. One hospital stay instead of two. Two problems solved at once. Of course I was apprehensive of one surgery, not to mention two, all at once. But I had given the problem to God, and I gave Him the fear, too.
So the shingles went away, I finished chemo and we coordinated the surgeries. Early in December I went to the hospital, not knowing what to expect from the combined surgeries, but not fearful. Nurses and friends couldn’t believe we were doing it all at once. But, He worked it out. I came home after 2.5 days, virtually pain free and recovered nicely.
But let all those rejoice who put their trust in You. Psalm 5:11
originally posted 1-27-08
Laughing all the way
NOW:
Laughter is a blessing. God made us in His image and I think that includes the ability to laugh. Some of us can see humor in anything, even trouble and tragedy.
I laugh a lot. The techs at radiation like to laugh and we laugh together often – about the coldness of the boluses they lay on my chest or about the tattoos and markings they make on my chest. I make jokes about myself and laugh at the insane nonsense involved in getting well.
It really is funny to me, because I know how it will all end. God has already made a promise to me that it will be all right. Not necessarily the cancer or life here on earth. But I think that an eternity with God will be ‘all right.’ And laughter makes everything better, even here on earth.
Are you spending eternity with God?
THEN:
When I first discovered the huge growth in my breast I tried to pretend it was nothing. An infection maybe, or a fluid filled cyst. But I soon realized that I had to see a doctor, and that it probably was the worst thing – cancer. I prayed a lot; first that it would go away, then that it would be nothing, finally that God would just take control and work it out the way He wanted. I think that is the key. Once we can truly turn it over to God and give Him permission to work things out, then He is free to make miracles. Bad things really can be okay. You really can smile and laugh at them.
“If God be for us, who (or what) can be against us?” Romans 8:31
Who indeed? But, God isn’t automatically ‘for’ everyone. He wants to be, but since He gave us free will and the right to reject Him, we have to seek Him out and give ourselves back to Him. He made us, we turned away, we have to go back. Jesus is the way to do that. Without His sacrifice there would be no way to approach God.
Brushing coat tails with Death has made me cherish life and pray for all those who are still resisting God.
Eternity is a long time to go without laughter.
NOW:
During a typical Florida rainy day, my sweet dog seeks comfort, staring at me with fearful eyes. Not only does she hate the thunder and lightning, but hates going out in the rain or walking on wet grass. I do all I can to comfort her, but she just doesn’t understand that I can’t make it stop raining.
She wants to be comforted, but can’t seem to accept what I have to offer her, which is a warm lap, soothing words and gentle stroking. This is a routine we go through often, and even after ten years, she still reacts the same to the storm.
So do I.
After all my years, I still run to God, seeking comfort and understanding during the storms of life. He’s always there and always receives me. I can’t always understand the ways he comforts me, but, just as my dog does, I accept it.
Eventually the storm ends.
THEN:
In 2000 my marriage ended. I left the family home and moved into an apartment until things were settled and I could decide what to do next. I decided to buy a home, and God enabled me to do that in spite of having only a temporary part time job at the time. God led me to just the right house; I knew it the minute I walked in the door. It was the right price, and in the best location, even though I didn’t know it at the time.
Seven years later, when I was diagnosed, I found doctors close to my home; again God led me to them. Now I have a number of doctors, none of them more than 3 miles away from my home. The hospital is also within 3 miles.
What a blessing that has been.
For your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him Matthew 6:8
NOW:
Friday afternoon and it seems the whole world is preparing for the weekend. For some it is the reward for getting through another week at work, for others, it is the only reason for living. In either case it makes a life rush by, way too fast.
During the last year or so, I have had to slow down, although I stay very busy running here and there for appointments and tests. Still, life has changed pace quite a bit. Now, after years of trying to spend time with God, I find it not only necessary, but also exciting to read His word and pray.
One of the blessings of my illness is awareness of how many people need our prayers. Praying for others is something we can all do, anywhere, anytime. Pray when you hear sirens, when you see a story on the news about a lost child, when you overhear a conversation about someone’s troubles, when you see a homeless person on the street.
Someone may be praying for you.
THEN:
Sometimes you find unexpected blessings wrapped in something bad.
Take weight loss, for example. I have always been overweight although my weight has been getting lower these last few years. But, when I started chemo I was still overweight. I still am, but I am a lot lighter now.
It’s a tough way to lose weight, and not at all deliberate, although I was delighted to see the scales change. Loss of appetite, lack of taste buds, mouth sores all contributed to no desire to eat. But, another blessing, I had no problem with nausea, thanks to meds. Losing weight while on chemo is not healthy for everyone, but fortunately for me, I could stand to lose.
Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not saying chemo was fun or easy. Just that I found some blessings while going through it.
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God. Romans 8:28
NOW:
Daily visits to the treatment center is a new routine for me. But I’m working with it. My appointment in is the late afternoon, so I use the morning for devotions and chores, and the evenings for resting, making phone calls or whatever. I appreciate the fact that I don’t have a job right now, and can focus on healing. Many people do not have that luxury – they must keep working and taking care of family. At the time I lost my job it did not seem like a blessing.
THEN:
Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about it’s own things. Matthew 6: 34a
Out of the blue, although I saw some warnings, I was out of work. Fortunately I had six months ‘notice’ with full pay and benefits. But my MS flared and it was difficult for me to work, so they let me work from home. What a blessing that was! It was hard for me to sit in front of the computer for hours at a time, but I could work at my own pace.
When the job ended, I was able to pay the health insurance premiums under COBRA. God had provided a small income for me from the divorce settlement, and with the retirement savings I had been able to stash away (thanks to the good paying job He gave me the last few years of my employment) I have been able to support myself.
I had six months of unemployment compensation, then almost immediately when that ended, I found out I had cancer. So, I can focus on treatment and on learning to yield to God and let Him use me for His purposes.
God knows what is coming and will prepare you, if you let Him.
NOW:
“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33b
These are Jesus’ words to his followers. But it is true for all of us – we will have trouble in this world. The good news is the last sentence. Jesus overcame the world.
There is no way I could get through any day without Jesus’ strength. My life has become an unending series of trips to doctors. Thank God for providing people who spend their lives serving the sick!
One of the things I have learned in recent years is not to hesitate to run to Jesus. People usually love to think of themselves as self-reliant, independent, strong and not needing help. What a surprise to learn that God wants us to need Him, and to take our problems to Him. He wants us to ask for and accept His help.
Now really, is that so hard to accept? Yes, for most of us. It means acknowledging that God is God, and that we need Him.
THEN:
My birthday is June 9. Shortly after that, I discovered something wrong in my body. Happy Birthday!
I ran to God immediately, pleading that this would go away! It didn’t, so then I just gave it all to Him and asked Him to do His will in this matter. That meant accepting His will, whatever it was, and trusting Him every step of the way.
I’ve spent a lot of time in prayer, letting go over and over. It is my tendency to want instant solutions, to want to take control and get things done (as if I could do anything about this problem!) But, every time a new problem comes up, God is there, working for me.
I still have to trust, which is hard because I don’t know the outcome. But God knows. And He has promised to be with me. Imagine that. The God of the universe is with me!
(And you, if you let Him!)
Now:
When I woke up this morning, I felt hopeless. But, immediately the thought popped into my head – ‘With God, there is always hope.’ I agreed and prayed. Then, with a cup of coffee by my side, I began reading the devotions for the day. Guess what? They were all about hope.
Here is one of the verses: Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
I’m not alone. God is always with me. and He proves Himself in so many ways. For instance:
Then:
When I finally realized I had a huge problem, I prayed for help. I didn’t have a primary care physician then, or a gynecologist to go to. Nowhere to start. So I started calling doctors on my list of providers, starting with female gynecologists. I made contact with one, in my area, and explained the situation. The receptionist suggested an appointment with the doctor’s husband, a breast surgeon. They got me in right away.
This is the amazing part of it. This doctor immediately identified my condition. He did a sonogram,right then in his office, did a biopsy the next day and arranged for me to see a chemo oncologist and a radiation oncologist. Within a short time I was starting chemo. God had sent me to exactly the right place.
For we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them. Romans 8:28
Knowing is one thing, allowing God to do his work is another. That is the hard part – trusting.
Never Alone
Now:
So much has happened during the last six+ months. Things most people would call ‘bad’ and things I call ‘Blessings’ and ‘Miracles’. Through it all, I have been clinging to God and His Promises, and He has proved Himself over and over.
It’s been a roller-coaster ride. I’m just entering the world of radiation. The blessings are obvious to me: the promise of a chance to win over cancer, the wonderful dedicated people who focus on helping the healing process, the incredible technology involved.
I’m also blessed by not feeling embarrassed by the process, quite a blessing for a modest older lady who recently lost her breasts. What a blessing to lie exposed on a table with three or four helpers working on me and feel only kindness and caring.
Then:
One of the first Blessings from God occurred within a couple days of the confirmation that I have breast cancer.
I received a call from a nurse who works for a Health care program serving MS patients. I told her about the diagnosis and we chatted for some time. She has been calling regularly to follow my case, but above and beyond that, she offers encouragement, information and makes valuable suggestions.
Our conversations last much longer than necessary for her to satisfy the requirements of the job. I look forward to her calls and they are truly a Blessing.
